Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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