You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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