Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
