Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
