just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
