I wish I could teleport
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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