bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
