How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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