I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
