if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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