im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
