I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
