who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
