Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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