I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
