So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
