i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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