so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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