If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
