She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
