Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
3 2 1 whiskey
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
