So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I supernannyed him into submission
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
