I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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