I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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