i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
