I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
