I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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