he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
These tits shall not be calmed
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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