I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
