I seem to have left my pride at pride
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
