My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
