dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
