he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ketchup is God's man juice
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
