a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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