Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
