god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
