We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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