my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
