So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
