YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
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