My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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