glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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