it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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