By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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