So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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