Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
