Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
