thus making me awesome and them whores
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
