I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
