So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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