have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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